This post is very different from those those that I normally put on here with fun stories of my family and kids.  This post is going to be more about me.  There is something about me that I have not shared with many people.  Not because I am embarrassed or ashamed by it, but because it doesn’t come up in conversation often.  I have fought with depression off and on throughout my life.  Originally I thought it started back when I was in college and I broke up with someone who I was discussing marriage with.  However looking back I realize that it has been even longer.

My poor mom…  Back in first grade I had a bout of what I would call depression. For almost an entire school year my parents did not know what was wrong with me.  My mom would have to push me on the bus each morning while I was in tears.  I would call home at lunch time crying.  I even got special permission to take my teddy bear with me each day to see if that would help…  No matter what questions were asked by parents or teachers no one knew the cause of my distress.  Toward the end of the year I guess they finally asked the right question and found out that I had overheard someone asking my mom “How does it feel to be loosing a daughter?” (My oldest sister was getting married)  I took that to heart and thought I would never see my sister again.  Luckily once that was cleared up, I went back to normal.

Whatever the reason, I have fought depression my whole life. While dealing with this I have learned that there is definitely situational (such as 1st grade or the breakup) based depression, and other times it is a chemical imbalance.I am currently dealing with the latter one right now. Here is a glimpse of what it feels like to me.  It started after I had a small surgery a few months ago.  At first I decided to just hang in there and see if it got better as my body healed and I was able to get back to my normal life.  I just pushed forward trying to “fake it until you make it”. Unfortunately things did not go completely back to normal..

I have to say that I am lucky to have a supportive husband who has had patience with me and helped me hold it together when I thought I was falling apart.  It started out with me getting really tired.  I will admit I stay up later than I should at night so I figured it was just lack of sleep.  However it reached a point where I could not keep my eyes open when my little ones went down for naps in the middle of the day.  Then I started to lose interest in things that normally make me happy and are my stress relievers.  (Such as photography and sewing)  Come to think of it I haven’t taken hardly any photos since Christmas.  In fact recently I had no desire to do much of anything.  I am normally a very social person but I began to stay home, and almost dread the phone ringing, just because I did not want to talk to anyone.  I dreaded, what seemed like, the overwhelming task of loading all five kids up to go to such things as violin lessons or piano. Now while this is all going on I did still get up and make breakfast, help kids with homework, and even take them to lessons etc.  Even though I felt like I had broken into pieces inside I still needed to take care of my family.

Right before I went into the doctor to check into medicine, I had a new feeling, one I did not like.  I got to the point where I felt…  I’m not sure how to describe it…  like a zombie?  Like a spectator?  I felt like I was witnessing my life but not actually there living it.  It is a weird hollow feeling.  It was also bad to me because I felt trapped.  I would have overpowering emotions such as sadness and yet I could see that there was no reason for me to feel that way.  Do you know how hard it is to answer your kids when they are worried and ask you why you are crying, and all you can say is that there isn’t really a reason and hope that they understand somehow?  I would get anxiety around people – when I never normally do. I would be really quick to feel frustration and anger (Although I was good at holding that in until I knew it wasn’t just random emotions).

Now I am back on the road to regain control.  I have some new medicine to try out, and along with that some new goals that I am going to work on.  I am supposed to spend more time on projects for myself instead of all my time on the day to day jobs that need to get done.  I have decided that I am going to work on my photography again.  I have set the goal that I am going to try and take a picture everyday of something that makes me happy that day.  I figure it is a good challenge to both focus on the good moments, and to try to capture those moments of my life in good ways.  I will be posting my photos on here as well.

I do want to make sure that it is clear that while I have fought with this I have always been grateful to my Father in heaven for hearing and answering my prayers.  I am also thankful for the support of my husband and my children.  I am also not looking for everyone to worry about me.  I am doing ok, and am on the path to get better.  I have just been realizing over the last couple years – in talking to many people – that so many times we tend to hold in everything about ourselves that is not perfect or wonderful. By doing that we as a people tend to feel alone or like no one else have ever dealt with these types of things when they come up in life.    I am here, I am far from perfect,  and I have fought with depression.  I am not ashamed of it, and neither should you if you ever fight with it too.

Day 1 Photo Challenge

Jerrica needed a little extra attention from me today.  She has such a big heart for elderly women.  She visits most of them after Sacrament meeting every Sunday before going to Primary.  A couple days ago a sister in our ward named Rea passed away.   Rea would come to church every Sunday wearing a big colorful hat.  When Jerrica learned that she died, she was very distraught and exclaimed “She was my friend!”  We had a good time taking pictures in a big floppy hat to remember her.

Day 2 Photo Challenge:

Scarlet is learning to climb.  Most of the time she climbs up onto the table and then cries immediately because she can’t get back down.  Today I was outside because we were getting a spot in our yard tilled up for a vegetable garden.  When I came in the house to check on her she was sitting cross legged on the table, eating a snack, and watching us intently through the window.  She was so interested in the tiller that she was all smiles waving at me outside for a good 5 minutes.