Ok, it is time to get real.  This past year has been crazy.  There have been wonderful times and there have been times where I am just happy when the day ends and I crawl into bed. I used to write in my journal a lot.  I wanted to always write down the memories so that future generations would know what I was like.  I haven’t written things down much in several years now and I feel like I am doing a disservice to myself and others.  I was talking to my mom the other night.  I called her up to vent some of my frustrations from the day.  She sat and listened to me (She is a very good listener).  At the end she didn’t say much except that it reminded her of a time when she was a young mom with 3 kids.  When I asked her to tell me about it, she then told me a story that made me look at her and my grandmother with new eyes and new respect.  I had never known that story before.

 I know I have said it before, but in society today we tend to only share the best pretty parts of our lives.  It makes us look good, look normal in society standards…  but in truth, I think that hurts our society.  That is because when you get to a point where you are struggling (which we ALL do at times) you don’t feel like you can talk about it or share those times.  You feel like struggles or not being able to handle everything makes you different, or shows weakness.  I know I’m not alone in thinking this way.  I have talked to several people who feel the same way.  However that is not the case at all!!!  We are not weak if we struggle at times.  We are not weak if there are days that we just want to curl up in a blanket at the end of the day and eat chocolate.  We all struggle at times.  Struggling can sometimes help us grow stronger, or sometimes it helps us learn to except help and ourselves grace.

I have been thinking about that lately, especially if I can’t sleep at night.  I want to write down more the things that I go through – the good times, and the bad.  I want especially my kids to know what it is like for me as a young mom.  I want anyone who sees me with my family of 8 and thinks that I have it “all together” to know that sometimes I am a mess.  I try my best, and while sometimes I think I do great, there are days when I also fail. 

This past year with corona has been a bit crazy for me.  I have always been a person who did not like change.  When I was young my mom used to have to give me sleeping pills the night before the first day of a new school year or I would be up all night fretting and worrying about the unknown.  When I got older I shocked my dad when I moved away from home after graduating from High school.  He even told me when he was close to dying later in life about how much he was surprised by that because he thought I would stay home forever and be a spinster because I did not want to leave, and hated being away from my mom when I was young.  I used to worry about all the unknowns.  My mom (who was probably exhausted with my questions and fears) used to tell me “I don’t play what if games” as I would constantly go “What if _______  Happens?”

I tell you this so that you can clearly see that while I have learned to adapt in life, I really like schedules and routines. If there is one thing this year has done it has been to kill routines.  While I have tried to make the best of the ever changing schedule I have found that my kids have the hardest time with it.  It is very difficult, especially for my younger kids, to constantly have the schedule changing.  Whether it is because we are doing virtual school at home, going to school in person, doing hybrid school a couple days a week, or at a moments notice being quarantined from school for 2 weeks and changing schedules again.  My youngest school age girl asks me almost every day  “are we going to school tomorrow, or doing school at home?”.  I feel bad for my son who started middle school this year.  It is always a big adjustment moving from elementary school with 1-2 teachers up to middle school where you change classes each hour.  Doing that with the ever changing school schedule has been difficult for him. 

I guess the hardest part for me this past year has been to learn my limits.  I often try to help fix things, to put out the fires.  If there is a problem I often will go into “be strong” and fix it mode, and get things taken care of, and then allow myself time to relax and process everything.  Lets just say that while they weren’t all at once there have been lots of things to take care of this year.  I have had to do my normal day to day tasks while also helping with house repairs like when our water pipes bust, and also putting on more hats such as teacher, therapist, secretary, and best friend. With 8 people in the house that all have different needs at different times, there are days where I feel completely drained by the end of the day.

Don’t get me wrong there have been great times during corona too.  I just wanted to write and say that for all of us going through this pandemic, it is ok to not always be ok.  Give yourself grace.  Do not give up, and remember:

“16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This is my favorite scripture.  It reminds me on the hardest days that even when I feel completely drained and like I have nothing else to offer, my spirit is renewed each day.  I can have new fresh strength – and so can you.